Everyday conversations that trigger pain and confusion for adoptees

When 'casual' conversations are anything but

At the pool recently, I was chatting with a lady I don’t know well, when a question about my ‘mother’ came up. Immediately, I felt self-conscious and confused about what to say.

My first thought was - which mother? Do I talk about my adoption and both mothers? Or do I mention either my adopted mother who died, or my biological mother who is still alive?

In that poolside moment, I didn’t feel like sharing my story or reliving the grief of losing my adopted mum, so I opted to talk about my living, biological mother.

But editing the truth didn’t feel good. It didn’t feel authentic to hide important parts of my life.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

As an adoptee, it’s everyday interactions like these that can turn into awkward, confusing and triggering conversations.

Meeting new people can lead to questions there are no straight forward answers to, like, “Where are you from? Do you have siblings? Where do your parents live?”

While benign for most people, these questions cause angst for adoptees because we don’t know how to respond, especially if we know little or nothing about our family of origin.

Awkward topics of conversation

There are many everyday conversations that I’ve struggled with over the years. Here are my reflections on a small selection of them:

Discussing medical history

Before I found my biological family, I hated telling doctors and nurses I knew nothing about my medical history.

There’s something profoundly sad about telling a stranger you have no link to another human that shares your DNA.

Every time it happened, it was a reminder of the biological connection I’d lost.

Where are you from?

Questions about where you’re from are inextricably tied to identity. Each time I’m asked this, I realise I don’t 100% know who I am (yet!).

Although I was adopted in the USA, my adopted parents are British. We lived in the US until I was five, when we re-located to the UK.

Apart from another five-year stint in the US, I’ve lived in the UK for most of my 54 years.

My US birth gave me American citizenship, while I acquired UK citizenship through my adopted parents.

So, if someone asks me where I’m from, I struggle for an answer.

Does being born in the US make me an American if I’ve not lived much of my life there? My values, attitude, and humour have all been shaped by living in the UK, but does that make me British?

If a stranger asks me this question, I often say where I grew up in the UK rather than talk about my American heritage. Sometimes, I’ll say I’m originally from the US and relocated to the UK at a young age. Other times, if I feel comfortable enough, I’ll explain my adoption story.

Photo by Cody Engel on Unsplash

Do you have brothers and sisters?

When asked this question, I said ‘no’ for most of my life, because I grew up an only child with no idea if I had bio siblings.

I always suspected that I’d have some, and in 2018 I discovered I have three half-siblings.

So when conversations about brothers and sisters come up now, I can talk about them.

Despite this, it’s difficult to know how much to reveal. Do I say I’m an only child and leave it at that? Or do I mention I have three much younger siblings that I didn’t grow up with, all of whom live in the US?

Talking about my siblings often leads to questions like, “How come you didn’t grow up with them?” or “Why do they live in the US?”. To answer these means sharing my adoption story, which at times feels too vulnerable.

I want to share my joy at having siblings, but struggle to do this in a way that doesn’t mean disclosing my adoption history.

Casual conversations are not always casual for adoptees

There are many conversations that have the potential to throw adoptees into confusion and indecision about how to respond.

If you’re an adoptee, I know you’ve experienced casual conversations that make you feel self-concious, uncomfortable or anxious.

What most of these conversations highlight is the dual nature of adoptee life - the life that could have been lived with biological family, and the life that is being lived because of adoption.

It’s the difficulty of reconciling these two lives for ourselves, and articulating them to others, that creates so much discomfort.

Dealing with awkward conversations & questions

Each time these conversations come up, adoptees face a dilemma. How much do we reveal about our adoption? Do we give the full story, or do we choose to edit or hide the truth?

Telling the full story can feel too vulnerable or emotionally triggering, while editing or hiding the truth may feel untruthful, or inauthentic.

Honestly, there isn’t a right or wrong way to respond.

I think the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your needs in the moment.

If you feel safe with someone, and have time to go into the details of your adoption experience, you can share as much or little as you like.

But, if you don’t have much time or privacy (like me at the pool), don’t feel like being vulnerable, or don’t feel comfortable with someone, respond in whatever way is best for you.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve told ALL my story, and others where I’ve shared very little.

And just because someone asks you about your family or background, it doesn’t mean you have to share anything you don’t want to. It’s okay to say, “It’s complicated, I don’t have a straightforward answer to that or “I don’t feel comfortable answering that or “I can’t get into that now, maybe another time!”

These days, I trust my intuition to guide how I respond in situations with people I don’t know.

It still feels uncomfortable at times, but I approach how I feel with compassion and kindness, knowing that whatever I share or don’t share about my history is up to me, and that’s okay.

Over to you…

• What everyday conversations do you find painful, awkward or triggering as an adoptee?

• What’s your approach to dealing with these conversations?

I’d love to hear if this piece resonated with you, so please feel free to leave a comment.